


As Many Times As It Takes

by beanboops



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Alternate Universe - Normal Life, Angst and Feels, Bisexual Male Character, Character Death, Depressing, Depression, Determined Gon Freecs, F/M, Gay Male Character, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Male Friendship, Male Homosexuality, Male-Female Friendship, Matter of Life and Death, Original Character(s), POV Gon Freecs, POV Male Character, Past Abuse, Poor Killua (Hunter X Hunter), Possible Character Death, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27851990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beanboops/pseuds/beanboops
Summary: Killua committed suicide a month ago and Gon hasn’t recovered. He blames himself for not noticing how his partner was suffering. One day he wakes up and decides that he doesn’t want to live without Killua.But... what happens when he wakes up next to his dead lover? Did the universe give him a do-over? Gon rushes to make sure that Killua will survive this time.No matter what.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Killua Zoldyck/Original Female Character(s), Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 13
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This does have more than one chapter!
> 
> I’m not sure how often I’ll update because school is getting a little rough, but I’ll try and do at least once every other week.
> 
> Also, I’ve only ever seen like yandere Killua and psycho Killua x Gon. Why?! Why can’t they just be happy? I mean... they’re not exactly happy in my story, but I kinda want a normal Killugon story. So yeah...

It’s like it meant nothing to him. All of our time together. Every memory we share, every kiss, every breath. All of it. Was it all just a joke? Was it always… always doomed to lead up to this moment? Everything… all of the stolen glances and sneaky moments together…. Everything was just bound to end this way? A pale Killua lies in the hospital bed before me, oxygen mask strewn to the side, the long beep still blaring in my ears, the siren that signals the end of another life. The machine only flatlined a second ago… maybe I can still bring him back. I try to reach out… desperately, but my hands shake violently as the bed pulls farther and farther away from me, making its slow path through the black space all around. I can’t do anything.

When my eyes open, I don’t jolt out of bed sweating. Instead, my body sinks further into the mattress, the weeks of sleepless night painting bags under my eyes. The fatigue from constantly laying in bed, not caring or wanting to do anything makes my body useless to me. It doesn’t matter anymore, anyway. He’s gone. Nothing matters now. Absolutely nothing.

The tears burn my eyes, but the burning sensation carries that… comfort of familiarity. The red won’t go now, just like the empty hole in my head and chest. Cars from outside pass by, lights dancing their way around the walls of my dark room. I can hear the rain pattering down outside. Silence. Deafening silence filled with one thought clouds the room as the feeling of suffocation spreads like slow waves through my lungs.

It should have been me.

It. Should. Have. Been. Me.

Every single warning sign was right in front of me, shouting in those bold neon colors ‘I need help. Please… help me’ but I was as blind then as I was when we began dating. He told me everything about his family. The constant abuse, the feelings of inferiority, the lack of friends, the grooming to become an important political figure and the lack of anything else in his life. Maybe… maybe we should’ve stayed friends…

No.

Never. That thought doesn’t belong here. I cherish every single moment we spent together, while friends and lovers. I know he did too. If I could go back in time… the only thing I’d change is trying to save him. There is no part of me that regrets our relationship. Only the part that digs a constant knife into my own back; Killua’s back is already too far gone for me to do anymore damage. Every breath that creeps into my lungs makes the knife plunge deeper into my back, reaching for the heart that’s already shriveled into dust.

Everything would be better if only I could see him again. If… only…

I get up groggily and trudge over to my dresser with legs heavy as logs, despite losing over 20 pounds in the last few weeks from my loss of appetite. Leorio and Kurapika stopped trying with me. In fact… They haven’t contacted me since his funeral. My green hair hangs in shambles around my face as I pull on a shirt with sluggish moves. It’s nice outside, despite the rain and pitch black sky. I think… I’ll take a stroll through the neighborhood.

The hallway outside of my room is strewn with objects and darker than the inside of my room. Broken glass glitters litters the carpet and picture frames lie either face down on the ground or face down on a shelf. The door that’s been closed for… already a month now is the only clean area. An entire circle around it is free of trash and thrown objects, but the door hasn’t been opened in a month. And it never will be again. The knob glitters at me like it’s inviting me in. But I don’t deserve to go in there. Even if I did, I wouldn’t… the small part of me left that’s not on autopilot wouldn’t be able to handle it.

I maneuver myself around the trash and glass, accidentally stepping on some that cuts my foot open, and make it to the dark kitchen and living room. I don’t think the lights have been on here in about 3 weeks. Since the last time Kurapika came over. He didn’t even lug Leorio with him last time. I think it was just so he could say goodbye and lecture me before walking out of my life.

Something catches my eye on the couch. A small urn. Full of him. I turn away immediately, tears already coming down my face. He wanted to be cremated. To be free after he died. He spent so long living inside of this cage and his cage of feelings… but I can’t bring myself to let him go. It’s…. Selfish. I know. But today… that will end. My hands somehow attach themselves to the urn and, moving as if controlled by invisible strings, my limbs move me to the door. It’s still raining outside, but it’s beautiful. The lights of the city shine through and the cars go by slowly. Rain is serene. Perfect for today.

Me and him… we used to run down the street and see who could splash the other with a bigger amount of puddle water. He always won, no matter how hard I tried. I can be a sore loser sometimes, but it was always worth it when he looked at me with that big grin on his face. Eyes sparkling. Everything was worth it for him.

I snap out of my trance to find a soft smile on my face, but it melts away immediately as I continue walking. The rain smooths and soaks my hair, bouncing off of the urn and running down the side. I breathe in and out with deep, steady breaths, the night air like purifying warm washing over my body. I nod to the man at the desk as I enter a building only a 5 minute walk from my house and he nods back. He doesn’t question why I’m here. A lot of people must come and go through here. Killua used to always love coming here.

The stairs burn my calves. Flight after flight I ascend, the urn making my body seem lighter. One thought runs through my mind the entire time.

At the top, the door opens for me and a rush of cool air soothes my pounding heart. The stars are bright from all the way up here and the air is cooler. A beautiful view of the city lies just beyond that railing that him and I used to lean against with excitement at one point in time. The railing that I swing one leg over, balance myself, then swing the other over. The rail that now supports my back as I sit down with a sigh, legs swinging freely over the edge of the city. From here, I can see where the lights end and the water begins. It’s quite amazing, if I’m being honest. But… it’s not as amazing as it was when he was here with me. My gaze slowly trails over to the urn I’ve set beside me and my voice flows out for the first time in 3 entire weeks.

“I miss you so much. Everything was better when you were here, you know?” my voice is steady despite the burning in my eyes that appears for the third time today. “I remember the first time we met and how happy you were to have someone your own age around you. It was adorable, honestly. I never missed how your eyes used to light up when you saw me, or that subtle thing you’d do when I got close. How your hands would fidget slightly. You’re perfect in every way and you made me so much better. How… how the hell could I have gotten so caught up in myself that I didn’t notice you were struggling?”

My voice begins to break up. The wobbling finally being true to my own feelings. “It didn’t take losing you to realize how important you were to me. You were absolutely everything to me. Everything. Losing you… it made me realize how much more you deserved than me. I don’t, and will never, regret dating you, but I wish you’d met someone better than me. Someone who could’ve held you better on those nights you’d break down crying or wake up from a nightmare. Someone who would have noticed your deterioration. If only I did…”

I chuckle dryly, tears still streaming down my face as I look down to my feet dangling over the edge. “It took losing you… to finally understand what you were feeling like all those times that I was blind to you. Hopeless. Crushing sadness. Feeling like there’s nothing left in life for you. It’s all my fault… but I wish you’d tried to talk to me about it, baby. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, so it’s not something I’d ever want you feeling.”

My body shakes as I stand, hair flowing in the wind as it bites the tears on my face. My brown eyes turn again to the urn and I smile the most pitiful smile I’ve ever experienced. “How amazing you were to me. How terrible I was to not have noticed you suffering. But… it’s okay now. I’m going to see you again, and I’ll make it right. I promise…”

I turn my gaze to the horizon, leaving the urn behind me and take a deep breath. Everything will be okay. And I know that. The thought running through my mind while going up the stairs? I’ll finally get to see him again. I’ll get to make up for everything I’ve done wrong. Even if it has to be in the afterlife, I hope he’s doing well.

My body falls forward as the wind already begins to make my hair fly. The feeling of free falling invades my every limb, but I close my eyes. The closer I get to the ground, the closer I get to him, so it’s okay. It’s scary… but it’s okay.

I can hear his voice calling my name before I black out.

“Gon…”

When I wake up, something feels off. Something other than the fact I’m alive when I’m supposed to be dead and with Killua now. I sit up slowly, blankets falling off of my body with grace and I raise my hands in front of my eyes. Sunshine flows through the windows to the sides of my bed and light my hands with a soft golden color. Everything feels… okay for some reason. Just that is enough to make me feel so on edge.

“Gon? Are you okay?” a soft voice calls my name from next to me, making my entire body go rigid. No. Way…

As I turn my head slowly, fluffy white hair comes into view along with those concerned blue eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that I hadn't seen for an entire month. Those blue eyes that I didn’t think I’d ever see again. The eyes that belonged to…

Killua.


	2. Chapter 2

“Gon…” his voice is muffled in my ears. Every memory I have of his death and the times after are running through my mind. The day I found him swinging from the ceiling in his study. The rush to call the police as I pulled him down with hurried care. I can still remember how vivid the deep purple and black bruises were around his neck in contrast with his pale skin. The paramedics told me if I’d been even two seconds later he would’ve died there. But it didn’t matter anyway. He died in a hospital bed right next to me. There was never any hope. I should’ve known that right when I saw the rope around his neck. “Gon, you’re suffocating me!”

Ah. Oops. My arms are wrapped tightly around his back, pulling him into me with all of my strength. His fluffy white hair brushes against my skin and the warmth of his body makes reality hit me. He’s… really here. Killua… I don’t register that my grip has loosened until a finger softly brushes against my cheek.

“Why are you crying? Bad dream?” His voice is as gentle as it was the day of his suicide and another tear makes a path down my cheek.

“Bad dream…” I mumble and look down at my hands that still fit perfectly in his. “It was a bad dream… So bad I wish I could just forget everything that happened. I’m… so sorry….” He pulls me into a hug quickly and I know that my ramblings don’t make any sense, but… what am I supposed to say in this situation?

“I love you.”

Right, that would make more sense. I see him for the first time in a month and all I can do is ramble about bad dreams and forgetting everything. “I… love you, too. So much…” My mind is racing even faster than my heart. Killua smells like the ocean and I love it. I don’t let go of him. Not even when he loosens his hug to let me out if I want.

Something has to be fake here. There’s something wrong with this. But… which reality is the dream? I lived through his death and for a month afterward, if that could be called living. All of it… every single sensation and every single memory felt so… so real. His skin cold to the touch while he lay in the hospital bed with a machine helping him breath. But now, I can feel his warm body embracing me. I remember the dead eyes on his face when he was still hanging from the ceiling. Yet… here are his beautiful, glittering eyes right in front of me.

It can’t all be real.

“I’m going to make some breakfast. You can take a shower. It must’ve been really bad if it’s enough to make you like this. Everything’ll be okay, baby,” he leaves me alone in the golden sunlight and messy bed with a kiss on the forehead. I really want to call out for him to not leave me. He could disappear again… For good this time. But I hold myself back and try to rationalize everything that’s happening while preparing to shower. Then it hits me.

Maybe I’m dead.

I don’t remember hitting the ground, but it’s a plausible theory. The thing I wanted most in my entire life was to be with Killua. This could just be the afterlife. Then again… I don’t really think so. Maybe it doesn’t matter. All that’s important is that I have Killua back. And this time… I won’t let anything happen to him. No matter what.

I get out of the shower and am about to wrap the towel around myself right when the door opens and Killua walks in. Completely freezing to the spot, I watch as his eyes trail down my body, then back up, then down again, then they finally meet my eyes. I can already tell my face is beet red but he just chuckles a little.

“Hot,” he says with a little smirk on his face.

“Wh- what do-” I sputter. Brain no work. He just laughs again while walking in to hand me my towel. It’s an adorable sound. I can’t even express in words how much I’ve missed it over the past month.

“Gon, we’re asexual, not blind. I can still think you’re attractive.”

“We-well, yeah! I think you’re hot, too! Just- just shu-p!” My brain can’t make words properly. I can’t believe this. What’s wrong with me!

“Shu-p?” he repeats with that cute grin.

“Shut up!” he laughs again and walks out with a little wave as I finally cover myself with the towel. This is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Oh my lord. I finish brushing my teeth and doing a little skin-care before joining Killua at the table. He’s smiling to himself while eating, but I decide to not mention it. His smile is such a sight for sore eyes. Speaking of, this is another reason I don’t think whatever is happening right now is the afterlife. My body is still as fatigued as it was yesterday. Those weeks of not sleeping are still affecting me. Then again… everything is brighter with Killua here.

“Hey.” I snap out of my stare to see him looking right back at me with serious eyes. Nothing in this world could make me want to talk about my “dream”, but I know it’s what he’s going to ask about, and… I don’t want him to worry any more than he already has.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m… over it now.” I will never, ever get over it, but please don’t ask me… I don’t like lying to you.

“Did you know that you rub your nose when you are uncomfortable and when you lie?” I look up from a spot on the floor to see him looking at me with an eyebrow raised. My finger is currently rubbing my nose. Damn.

“It really wasn’t that bad. I probably won’t even remember it by tomorrow. I promise I’m okay.” It was terrible. The worst thing I will probably ever experience… my mind won’t ever let me forget. Everytime I look at you, I can see you dying slowly… make it stop, please!

I hear him mumble something under his breath with a frown, but he drops the matter and we finish breakfast in silence, which allows me time to think a bit more. This entire situation is so confusing, but I’ve seen those movies where people repeat days in time and I’m not going to look like a psycho by asking someone around me what’s going on or telling them that I’ve gone back in time. I’ll just have to live in the moment and go from there.

Killua and I walk hand in hand through the park, trees a vibrant green and flowers blooming all around. The world hasn’t been this alive in forever and the colors are almost hurting my eyes. “Stop for ice cream? I have a few things to tell you before we continue.” His grip on my hand tightens and he leads me to a small ice cream stand in the park. We both get vanilla then sit down on a bench while the occasional person or family walks by.

“Okay, so first of all, I got a promotion,” he doesn’t sound excited. Just like he’s listing items off to make sure he remembers. It makes my skin itch. “Second, Leorio and Kurapika invited us over to their house for dinner and games tomorrow. I swear, they’re like an old married couple now.” I smile when I see the fond grin on his face. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed. He really cares for all three of us… that’s why I just can’t believe what he did.

Before I know what I’m doing, I lean over and embrace him, making sure to smell that soothing ocean scent. “I love you so much and I have no idea what I’d do without you.” Somehow I manage to keep my voice from breaking, but he stays silent. When I look up and release him, there’s a pained look on his face.

“Yeah… I love you, too.” He says it with a smile but there’s no happiness in the expression. How… how the fuck did I miss this? Excuse my language, but I must’ve been blind! He’s hurting and I did nothing to help. This time I’ll do everything I can. I swear to whatever god there may be, he will not die.

“Hey,” I grab his attention and his pained look is gone immediately. The problem is I can’t tell if he’s reaching out for helping or is really bad at trying to conceal his feelings. “You know you can talk to me about anything… right?” I say this as a person who hides my feelings constantly. I feel like such a hypocrite, but if I’m going to keep him alive this has to be said.

“Yeah… yeah, I know.” he looks down at his hands in his lap and I can see the gears turning in his brain. Then something seems to occur to him. “Don’t worry about me, worry about yourself. You have that big presentation this week, right? Maybe we should stay home from dinner tomorrow so you can work on it?”

“No! No! I’m good! I have almost all of it done. I’m too excited for dinner and I don’t want to disappoint you or them, either. We can go.” I have absolutely no idea what this presentation is. Maybe some things have changed now that I’m back when he’s alive? He smiles and we get up to leave. I throw away the napkins from our ice cream and make my way back to where he’s waiting for me with that same old smile.

A lady bumps into me, long, curly red hair smacking me in the face. “Oh, I’m sorry!” I immediately turn and raise my hands in apology. As she turns around, I can’t help but be captivated by her golden-brown eyes. She smiles and crinkles form around her eyes.

“It’s no problem, I should’ve been watching where I was going anyway. So, I’m sorry.” she offers a little wave then turns and continues down the path, hair swaying behind her. All I can think is that she’s really pretty and nice. But… something about her gives me a really bad feeling. I shiver and connect back with Killua.

Something feels wrong and I don’t know what.


	3. Chapter 3

Time seems to speed up whenever I’m around Killua. I can never get enough time with him before we have to separate for one reason or another. Luckily, we’re heading over to Kurapika and Leorio’s place right now for dinner. Those two will be their bright selves and it will be like nothing ever happened. Because nothing did ever happen… different reality.

“Gon, are you okay?” Killua’s hand tightens around mine and I squeeze it back in assurance while memorizing his face for the millionth time today. I AM happy to have Killua back, so happy, but it’s so much to process. Sometimes I feel like I’m about to faint.

“I’m okay. Let’s go in.” I almost forgot, in the time I hadn’t talked to them, that Leorio and Kurapika are rich as HELL. Leorio hit it big with some sort of doctor research and earned a lot of money, so the two live in a house so big that it would be more accurate to call it a mansion. The front doors are giant and windows line the entire second floor and first floor. A pool is hidden behind the landscaped garden. I get wanting to have a nice looking house, but if I was rich I don’t think I’d waste it all on a piece of land and a building.

We get to the giant oak doors and Killua presses the bell, but Kurapika is already swinging the door open with a small smile. His grey eyes are lit with just as much excitement as Killua’s and the two embrace while Leorio walks up behind Kurapika.

“Glad you guys could make it. We have dinner set up in the dining room already,” Kurapika releases Killua and leads us through their maze of a house. Leorio talks on and on about something I’m barely listening to when we pass a room that makes me stop. The door is cracked open and it’s dark inside, but I still recognize it. I think the last time it was used was two years ago when the four of us conducted a giant search for my father. Nothing came of the search. They wanted to keep trying, but I honestly think that if he wanted to be in my life, then he would be.

True to his words, the dining table is already set up with all kinds of food. Kurapika can’t even utter the words ‘sit down’ before Killua and aI are already across the table digging into meat and pudding. Kurapika laughs at our antics, then smacks Leorio lightly after realizing he was doing the same. Everything is going so smoothly, that I can’t believe it. I had some kind of suspicion that my lack of attachment to them for the past… however long it was since the funeral… would keep me from talking to them well, but I was wrong. Thankfully, we were all laughing and filling up to the brim.

“So… I heard that you’re getting a promotion, huh, Killua?” Kurapika meant it innocently, but as soon as the words come out I can see Killua tense.

“Yep. I have a big presentation tomorrow, too,” the words come out in that strained voice he used at the park with the same fake smile plastered on his face. I’m about to reach over and ask if he’s okay, but I hesitate. He didn’t even want to talk to me about it before he killed himself. Should I really bring it up in front of two entire other people? Maybe I should excuse us for a moment? I don’t know how to help. I could stop the conversation, but that would be so weird and they’d ask questions. Everything was going so well before… Why is it like this? If I’d just listened and paid attention to him the first time around, Killua never would’ve died!

“Gon, calm down,” a hand grips mine under the table accompanied by a soft whisper. Killua’s blue eyes are looking deep into mine as I hyperventilate. A panic attack. Wonderful. I was so worried about how Killua was doing that I didn’t realize I was the only one freaking out. What’s wrong with me…

Quiet tears slip out the corners of my eyes and I almost don’t see Killua telling Kurapika and Leorio to back off. He picks me up off the chair and carries me out to the front porch. The sky is dark, but twinkling stars shine through the patchy clouds. Crickets chirp all around us and the lights from the mansion shine dimly to illuminate parts of the yard. Killua doesn’t ask what’s wrong; he just holds me in his arms until I’ve stopped crying enough to answer a question.

“Stay or go home?” I don’t want to open my mouth. I might start crying again, but he already knew the answer before even asking the question. Killua goes inside for two minutes, then comes back out with a soft smile and our coats and car keys.

“You doing okay now?” he keeps his eyes on the road, but lets a hand come pat me on the knee. I take a deep breath and muster up the best smile I can.

“Yes, I’m fine. Sorry… about that.” I ruined our entire evening. It was supposed to be about Killua being happy before a big thing at work tomorrow. It was supposed to be an opportunity for us to relax and spend some time with our friends, but I ruined it. I plead in my mind for Killua to not push further, but my plea isn’t answered.

“Is this about that dream? Or just a routine panic attack that never happens unless you’re in the middle of a really stressful college assignment?” his voice is caring and joking, but I’m already too irritated at myself to care about how he meant it.

“I thought I said that I didn’t want to talk about it. I’m fine. That’s it.” venom almost visibly spits out of mouth and I regret the words immediately.

“I was just trying to help. I know that it makes things worse if you bottle it up and just let it all explode once in a while. Gon-”

“If you know that it makes things worse, then start talking to me!” I throw my hands up in frustration, and he looks annoyed.

“Talk about what? I’m not the one who had a panic attack that ruined our ‘fun’ evening with our friends! We haven’t seen them in months!”

“Oh, thanks for that! I already know I ruined shit! How about you shut up unless you want to tell me why you NEVER, and I mean NEVER, talk to me about YOUR feelings? Sure, I had a panic attack once, but what about you who has one every other hour? Why don’t you tell me about that, huh?” I can’t stop the words from spewing out, but I can see the hurt deepening on his face. He lashes back at me.

“You KNOW what all of that is about! We’ve been over this before! If you want me to talk, how about you listen?” We’re in front of our house now, but neither one of us makes a move to get out of the car. We just sit screaming at each other, hands waving all around.

“I LISTEN! I even see, too! How magical!” The sarcasm is blatantly obvious in my voice. “What the hell was up with the look on your face at the park? Why did you hesitate to say ‘I love you’ back to me? Why did you look so sad while saying it? I don’t fucking care about the other stuff! I’ve heard it all before about your dad and your family and how you were abused. Just tell me why you don’t love me anymore,” my voice gets quieter and quieter, which sounds even more dangerous than my yelling does. As soon as the last sentence is uttered out of my mouth, Killua’s jaw clamps shut and he gets out of the car, slamming the door behind him. The car rocks as I storm out after him. “HEY! We aren’t done here!”

He doesn’t respond, just goes into the house and slams another door behind him. I plop down on the curbside with a sigh and put my head in my hands. I really do ruin everything. The dinner… our time together. It’s like nothing can come out of my mouth the way I want it to and now I hurt him because of it. How pitiful. Whatever higher being gave me a second chance must be regretting that about now.

I let out a short, cynical laugh as a few tears stream down my face. I think that was the worst fight we’ve ever had. And probably the most serious. We’ve fought about everything from the stupidest thing like who showers first to serious things like why I feel the need to have a dad in my life who doesn’t want me. That one was a bad one, but this fight… Maybe it’s just worse because I JUST NOW got Killua back and I’m already ruining things with him. Sure, the occasional fight is part of a healthy relationship. It helps communication, but when words like the ones we say to each other are thrown back and forth, something is bound to break.

Like a little baby, I sit and feel sorry for myself for a while longer before I realize that it IS my fault. I shoot to my feet and make my way inside with thoughts racing around my head at the speed of light. Before I jumped off that building, I was whining to myself about how this was all my fault and he deserves someone better, but I’m not making good on those words.

I unlock the door and enter, noticing the lights are all off.

Of course, I’m not going to break up with him. That would absolutely crush me, and I THINK him too. But… if he ever finds someone nicer and more understanding and better than me, I won’t try and hold him back.

My heart thumps loudly in my chest as I run to our bedroom.

I will do anything to save him this time around. If I can notice his pain, I can stop it. If the source of his pain is me, then I’ll let him leave. If I love him… I have to let him go.

He’s not in the bed, but the light shines from under the bathroom door.

I love him… so much. More than anything in the entire world. I… want to be childish and keep him close to me forever. But more than that… I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want him to die. Having him happy with someone else if better than coming home to find his almost lifeless body hanging from the ceiling again.

I knock on the door, but no answer. “Killua? Killua, open up. I’m so sorry!”

Anything would be better than having him dead again. That month was the darkest of my life. I had no one. He was gone, Leorio and Kurapika weren’t talking to me. My aunt wasn’t contacting me for some reason. Never again. Never.

I knock a few more times before I realize the master key is on the door frame. The door slowly swings open to reveal Killua on the floor. A sigh of relief almost comes out of my mouth, but then I see it. Blood. He’s laying in a pool of his own blood and staring at the ceiling with a blank face. The hands I was holding just 30 minutes ago are now soaked in blood and the wrists above them are cut up like raw meat.

My body goes rigid. He’s… on the floor. He doesn’t belong there. He’s not on the ceiling… but he’s on the floor? My knees go weak and I collapse to the floor, where I then drag myself over to his head. I didn’t even consider this… how stupid of me. I didn’t even think that this might happen again because I yelled at him.

“Gon…” the whisper comes out of chapped lips and his eyes shift ever-so-slightly to look at my face as I gently put his head on my lap and cradle his hands in mine. Water drops onto his face and I quickly identify it as my own tears.

“Killua… Killua, it’s my fault. I’m so- I’m so sorry!” I can’t raise my trembling voice above a whimper. My hands are clasping at his bloody wrists trying to stop the bleeding. They slip in the blood like it’s some kind of waterslide. How sick.

“No.. no…” he stops talking for a long while and I let out a sob, thinking he’s already gone. 

“Please… don’t blame yourself. I… just can’t do this.” Blood pours out of his wrists despite my efforts and I cry harder. He begins to tear up as well. The light starts to fade from his eyes.

“I… I didn’t mean any of those things I said! Please… don’t do this again! Come back to me... please…”

“I.. love you. So much. You… ‘re right. I didn’t tell you my feelings. I didn’t…” he closes his eyes and struggles to open them back up. That beautiful blue color begins fading into an ugly mix of deep blue and yellow as the light disappears quicker and quicker. “I didn’t want to worry you…”

“You wouldn’t have! Please… I love you so much…” my throat squeezes like I’m about to throw up.

His wrists slip from my blood-covered hands and he utters his last words, “I love you, too. So… so much…” As if a cruel trick by fate, he dies with a small smile on his face while I sob on the floor next to him. There’s nothing left for me to do but yell at his lifeless body.

“What can’t you do? Just talk to me! Please, Killua, I can’t…” my voice breaks and the tears come faster than before. “I can’t lose you again… not again… not like this… It’s all my fault.” Time ticks away until the sun looks like it’s about to rise, but I don’t get any more tired. The cops haven’t been called yet. And I… won’t let them be.

The building is still only a 5 minute walk from here. It’s dark out, just like before. He’s gone, and I’m going to get him back. I won’t let him be miserable. Never. Not if I can help it. I reach the top of the building just as the sun peaks over the horizon with orange and pink streaked across the beautiful sky.

I close my eyes and jump, feeling the wind ruffle through my hair and clothes. Praying to whatever god may be out there that I will wake up next to those gorgeous blue eyes again. That I can save him this time.

I will die for him. I will save him. As many times as it takes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about my long break. I wasn’t in the right headspace. This isn’t over yet, though. Thanks for reading! <3


End file.
